Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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