he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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