Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
