im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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