Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
