Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
