woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
