I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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