miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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