so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I AM VODKA MAN
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
