need another drink. this is the easiest way
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
