Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
