My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
