dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
