my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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