Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
