i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
