I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
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