Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
