He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
