what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
