dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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