DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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