so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
