having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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