Betty ford says i'm here all night
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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