i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
she told me i tasted like america
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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