walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
