You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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