my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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