i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
