Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
