He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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