Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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