There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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