Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
