How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
