I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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