Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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