Im at strip club and am horny
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Randomize
