Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
