just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
