just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
