If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
