We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
