remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
