I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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