saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
