can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
