it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
