We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
