I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he puts the penis in happiness.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
