my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
